What Happens In Branson
by Red Witch
Summary: So what did happen in Branson after the events of Nellis? Well...


**Aliens took off with the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. So what happened when the gang went to Branson? Well…**

 **What Happens In Branson**

"You are unbelievable," Lana stood there, glaring at Archer in the break room.

"What?" Archer was sitting at the table wearing a black cowboy hat and a tattered shirt covered in lipstick prints and jeans. There were also some various bottles and other items on the table.

"You've had quite the busy couple of weeks haven't you?" Lana gritted her teeth.

"You are talking about when I went to Vegas," Archer deduced as he took a drink from one of the bottles.

"Among other things. I heard about your little **vacation** and we need to have a talk!" Lana pointed.

"Of course we do," Archer sighed. "And by we need to talk you mean you need to _lecture_ me."

"I wouldn't have to lecture you if you would act like an adult instead of a horny teenager!" Lana barked. "Running around drinking, gambling and screwing whores!"

"Okay here is where we clearly differ on what is adult behavior," Archer began.

"Let's put aside the fact that **once again** you flaked out on your responsibilities," Lana gave him a look.

"I was not flaking out! I was recovering from gunshot wounds!" Archer barked. "Wounds you are technically responsible for!"

"In Vegas? For **two weeks?"** Lana snapped.

"I needed a vacation to recover from the stress of being shot!" Archer snapped. "Vegas is a healing city."

"Yeah about that vacation. Let me see if I get this straight…" Lana winced. "You got drunk, broke and stranded in Vegas. Then somehow you got yourself on **both** the No-Fly and No Train Lists in one day! Then you call in Cheryl and Ray to pick you up in her private jet. And the rest of the Scooby Gang tags along to take an impromptu vacation to Branson. Which takes a detour when you got shot down and crash landed at Nellis Air Force base AKA Area 51!"

"It's Ray's fault," Archer protested. "He totally gives into peer pressure too easily."

"Yeah I remember the teacup pig incident," Lana sighed. "So you pretend to be Slater and use his code while you somehow convinced Pam, Krieger, Cheryl and Cyril to strip to their underwear and pretend to be prisoners."

"Well I couldn't ask Ray to do it. I needed a pilot too and it had to be believable," Archer protested.

"Oh yeah, believability. **That's** what you're going for," Lana scoffed.

"Not to mention I didn't want him to think I was checking him out," Archer added.

"Any-way…" Lana went on. "Basically while you were getting plastered in the officer's lounge, Krieger and Pam went on a mini rampage in their underwear which led to you having a rampage…"

"It wasn't technically a rampage," Archer corrected. "It was more like a strategic ass kicking."

"There's a difference?"

"Yes there is Lana!" Archer protested. "A rampage is more personal. What happened at Nellis wasn't. I was just trying to get home and technically the soldiers were just doing their jobs so…"

"So you and the others stole some guns and uniforms," Lana went on. "Then you stole a plane from Area Freaking Fifty One!"

"It was surprising easy despite Krieger and Pam freaking out because they thought they saw aliens," Archer shrugged.

"Aliens?" Lana gave him a look.

"They were obviously drunk and I'm pretty sure Krieger did something sexual with a light socket," Archer shrugged. "Again."

"Yes I also remember the Christmas Party two years ago!" Lana barked. "And then you all decide to go to Branson anyway! In a stolen Air Force plane!"

"That's when things started to get a little bit out of control," Archer admitted.

"A **little** bit?" Lana barked. "You assaulted the airport security guards at Branson! You really didn't think that the Air Force wouldn't put out an APB for stolen plane?"

"I admit I did not consider that possibility," Archer admitted. "But we got away from them."

"After stealing their clothes and a limo," Lana groaned.

"Hey I wanted to do Branson in style," Archer said. "And it was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. We saw some good shows. Had some great food and drinks…"

"Set fire to a bar," Lana added.

"Okay first of all, that was an accident!" Archer pointed out. "At least the bar fire was. The idiot Pam was arguing with knocked over a couple of candles…"

"After Pam punched him," Lana groaned.

"She was still high or something from the whole aliens freak out so I thought some alcohol would calm her and Krieger down," Archer added. "What? Alcohol is a depressant. We all needed it."

"Did you need to charge everything to Slater's credit card?" Lana asked. "And how did you get Slater's credit card? On second thought I don't want to know. Wait a minute, why didn't you just use Slater's card in the first place when you were stranded in Vegas?"

"Obviously I was drunk and had forgotten I had memorized the number! Duh!" Archer rolled his eyes. "But I remembered it when we got to Branson. Then I wrote it down in case I forgot again. Which was really handy because I got really drunk again pretty fast."

"Ugh…" Lana made a noise of frustration and disgust.

"I'm glad I went to Branson. It was even more fun than Vegas," Archer said. "Did you know that Branson not only has a zoo, it as a tiger sanctuary? A real tiger sanctuary!"

"Yeah I know," Lana gave him a look. "I saw the news."

Flashback…

"AAAAAHHH!" People were running for their lives away from several tigers.

"HELP ME! AAAAHHH!" A park official was clinging to life on a tree as a few tigers surrounded him. "OH CRAP! I FORGOT TIGERS CAN CLIMB! AAAAAHHH!"

Flash forward to now…

"Okay that was Carol's fault," Archer pointed out.

"Cheryl."

"Whatever her name is this week," Archer rolled his eyes. "And I honestly thought she learned her lesson about opening tiger cages from what happened with Shane. I didn't realize she completely forgot everything from when she was Cherlene."

"And of course you had to go to the Museum of Historic Firearms," Lana groaned.

"That was Cyril's idea and it was kind of cool," Archer pointed out. "Why are you looking at me like that? Cyril's the one who shot a guy. With a musket. That was funny."

"Only because you and Krieger were playing around with the exhibits!" Lana bristled. "And he got the idea from you!"

"It's the museum's own fault! You don't display loaded weapons!" Archer barked. "That's just common sense!"

"It's also common sense not to fire a civil war cannon!" Lana snapped.

"Again, I didn't know it was loaded!" Archer barked.

Flashback…

The outside of the Museum of Historic Firearms. A huge boom was heard and then half the wall was shot out. "Whoops…" Archer was heard. "My bad."

Flash forward to the present.

"Ironically it wasn't as big a mess as you guys made at both the Titanic Museum and the World's Largest Toy museum!" Lana snapped.

"Okay first of all, who has a wedding on the **Titanic?** " Archer asked. "Even a replica of the Titanic is kind of tempting fate. 'Honey where would you like to get married? Tahiti? Vegas? No, let's get married at an exact replica of one of the greatest seafaring tragedies in the history of mankind'!"

"Archer…" Lana grimaced.

"Nothing says romance like having a reception at a memorial commemorating over fifteen thousand people who drowned at sea!" Archer went on.

"So that gave you license to bang the bride?" Lana shouted.

"Well Cyril nailed a bridesmaid and Ray banged the best man!" Archer said. "And Pam scarfed down half the buffet! And I'm pretty sure she got some action too."

"And let's ignore the huge fight you caused at that reception which you crashed," Lana groaned. "Why were you there again…?"

"Krieger wanted to visit the place and somehow scored free tickets because he knew a guy," Archer shrugged.

Flashback…

"I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! MUAH! HA HA HA!" Krieger was decked out in a captain's uniform on the bridge of the vessel. He played around with the steering wheel.

Until a large crash was heard. "Whoops…" Krieger gulped. "My bad."

Flash forward to the present.

"And how the hell did he manage to sink the museum?" Lana shouted. "It was chained to the dock!"

"How does Krieger do anything?" Archer shrugged. "There was probably an iceberg replica somewhere around there. Besides there wasn't that big a leak and we were right next to the dock…"

"Moving on," Lana sighed. "Whose idea was it to go to the toy museum?"

"That one was sort of a group consensus thing," Archer shrugged. "Still fun."

"Until you burned it down!" Lana barked.

"We did not burn it down! Just a few rooms," Archer waved. "And that was What's Her Name's fault!"

Flash back…

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl's laughter was heard as smoke filled a museum room full of toys.

"Who gave Carol a lighter?" Archer barked.

"Whoops," Pam hiccupped, clearly slightly drunk. "My bad."

"Why would you…?" Ray asked.

"She said she needed it to burn the evil clown dolls!" Pam protested.

"Okay in the first place. Those aren't clown dolls," Cyril groaned. "Those are dolls of famous politicians through the years."

"Same difference," Pam shrugged.

"Well can't argue with that," Archer chuckled.

Sirens were heard in the distance. "We should really go now…" Cyril gulped.

"YOU THINK?" Ray snapped.

Once again flash forward to the present.

"It was still fun," Archer said. "Look I got a GI Joe with real kung fu grip! Man I loved this thing when I was a kid."

Archer picked up a GI Joe and showed it to her. "And of course you all had to steal some toys," Lana groaned.

"Well we wanted some souvenirs," Archer shrugged. "Cyril got an old Risk board game. Krieger got some weird science toy. Pam and Cheryl got some rare Barbies and Ray got a Happy Cake oven. It makes real cupcakes too. Heh heh…He got a pink Happy Cake oven."

"This from a man who stole a **doll,** " Lana gave him a look.

"GI Joe is **not** a doll! It's an **action figure**!" Archer snapped. "And he banged both Pam and Cheryl's Barbies so…Yeah. He's a stud."

"Let's skip over the doll pornography and move on," Lana sighed. "So how did you guys get out of Branson without being arrested?"

"Not completely sure," Archer admitted as he played with the GI Joe. "I was pretty drunk near the end. I do know we stole another plane after we stopped at some kind of country western bar for a few more drinks."

"I don't believe this…" Lana groaned.

"I know. It was harder to steal a plane from the airport than the Air Force," Archer said. "That kind of worries me a little."

"So I assume it's safe to say that you are all banned from ever going back to Branson for life?" Lana sighed.

"Technically Slater is banned from going back to Branson for life," Archer snickered. "I wish I could see his face when he opens his credit card bill."

"Not as much fun as seeing your mother's face when she finds out what you did," Lana gave him a look.

"Relax. Mother will be so happy that I'm back…" Archer waved. "Besides how is she going to find out anyway?"

"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory was heard screaming.

"GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!" Slater was heard shouting as well. "YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO!"

"Oh right…" Archer blinked.

"AND WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PICTURES ON PAM'S BLOG?" Mallory yelled. "IS THAT THE TITANIC? HOW THE HELL DID YOU SINK A FAKE TITANIC?"

"I'm out of here!" Archer ran off.

"Really regretting my decision to steal his sperm," Lana groaned. "I knew I should have went with Ray's. Or even Cyril's."

Just then Cyril and Pam ran by. Once again the two were in their underwear and Cyril was carrying a pink Happy Cake oven. "I got it! I got it!" He yelled, clearly slightly tipsy.

"You are going to get it Cyril if you don't give me back my Happy Cake Oven!" Ray ran after them wearing a completely pink cowboy outfit. Complete with a pink ten gallon hat.

"We need it to make liquor filled cupcakes to give to the aliens!" Pam called out.

"I'm just going along for the liquor filled cupcakes!" Cyril hiccupped.

"GIVE ME BACK MY HAPPY CAKE OVEN!" Ray yelled.

"Then again…" Lana sighed.


End file.
